I was painfully homesick for America, my first year living in United Kingdom.
I pretty much clung to my computer, checking it continuously throughout the
day for any emails from friends and family. What was wrong with these people ?!
I wrote them several times a day and they wrote only once a week !
Just because they had jobs, a life and were busy with family, was not a justifiable
excuse. I needed words of consolation, a familiar interconnection from my people.
I needed emails !
Now - I'm probably the most rational, stable person you'll ever meet (subjective)
so this will shock you to the core when I tell you that I came up with the most
off-the-wall idea ever. I decided to sponsor a "Find The Marmite Contest."
Don't ask me where these brilliant ideas spring from - genius just oozes from me.
I was sure to get lots of email, responding to my contest.
(clap hands and insert squeals of joy here !!)
Anyhoo - there was no chance that any of my U.S. posse would win as they
had no idea what Marmite was. Could they Google it ? Well sure. But if they
aren't taking time to write to me - they most certainly should not be spending
time Googling anything !! I felt entirely safe in the fact that I offered as prize,
the 12 foot, bronze statute of Oliver Cromwell that stands in St. Ives, Market
Square. Most of them had no idea who Oliver Cromwell was, let alone know
the prize on offer weighed a few tons. Just to be sure I wasn't sued by the
winner - I stipulated in the rules that it was the responsibility of her/him,
to collect the prize themselves. All bases covered here.
It was pure glee !! The emails were pouring in - oh happy day !
As I predicted, the statue of the gruff Oliver Cromwell, with his glaring expression,
outstretched arm and pointing finger - was safe. No one had a clue as to what the
heck Marmite was. *note - Doesn't Oliver remind you of one of those scary wall
portraits, the kind that seem to stare at you no matter what part of the room you
move to? The eyes follow. Because of an oversight on my part though - the contest
was called due to a technicality. Here is the original letter, sent September 2007,
to all on my email list.
Dear Contestants,
First of all, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for submitting
entries for this, the first of many exciting contests to be launched in 2007.
Unfortunately, we did not have a winner this time due to a technicality.
The lost Marmite was actually, not in the fridge, but on a cabinet shelf,
behind a box of stale popcorn. And although it was a big disappointment
to the contestants, something good did come from my blunder - whilst
I was searching for the Marmite in my mucky fridge, I decided to give it a
good scrub and in doing so found my long lost electric toothbrush.
It was behind the celery. Had been looking for it ever since landing to
the UK.
To those overseas contestants that wrote in thinking Marmite was some
type of rodent, I should explain that it is in fact, somewhat of a British
olde world culinary tradition; a yeast type substance that British folk
love to eat on toast. But in my opinion, it does smell and taste a bit like a
rodent. So an honourable mention for that awesome guess goes out to
contestant Mary, from Phoenix, AZ.
Note: Marmite can also be used to thicken and flavour stews and soups.
I sent a small jar to my Mum, Alice, proprietor of "Alice's Restaurant."
She's been adding a pinch to soup recipes and it has been a brilliant success.
She says business has increased tenfold and rumours have it - so has the
resident' s sex life. Men wearing trucker's caps have been queuing at the door !!
*note to readers: I'm busy constructing a contest for 2009.
It's going to be - "win the noisy old lady who lives in the flat above me" contest.
The old gal doesn't know this yet - but she's about to win an all expenses paid
holiday, to a surprise destination. A three way win - old lady, contestant and moi'.
The contest is open to most anyone. Will keep you posted.